Four Ways to Support a Friend with Chronic Illness
By Isabella Gosling
The beautiful thing that has come from people speaking up and creating more awareness about conditions such as endometriosis, adenomyosis, PCOS and infertility, is that more people are reaching out and asking what they can do to support their friend who might be suffering from a chronic illness. For example, our Not Another Bloody Fundraiser Gala Dinner, in November last year started purely from a group of friends who wanted to do something nice, and make their friend feel special, have a chance to get dressed up and just have a fun night away from everything that comes from endo. If you’re a friend or a loved one looking how to support that person in your life, here are four ways you could support them. Of course every friendship is different and what works for some friends, might not work for others.
1. Be Flexible
Living with a chronic illness is so unpredictable, and when plans are made, your friend might be feeling healthy and well, however when the time comes to meet, it might be a different story. Being understanding and empathetic if plans need to change or be rescheduled makes it so much easier on your friend, as I can almost guarantee that they are probably feeling guilty for cancelling. You could even suggest coming over and hanging with them at home instead. Movies and tea on the couch, anyone? It can be hard not to see your friend’s cancellation as something personal, that they would rather be at home than with you - try not to get into that mindset. You know your friend, and how much they value you, they’ll appreciate you for being the person who sticks with them during a difficult time.
2. Avoid using cliche sayings
“It could always be worse.”or “You look fine”. While you might mean well, by trying to perk up your friend or give some reassurance, statements like these can be very disheartening, especially as a lot of chronic illnesses are invisible, and your friend might look okay, but on the inside they’re not doing so great. Just being mindful and acknowledging their feelings without comparing their experience to that of someone with a ‘more severe’ medical condition, will make them feel much more heard. There’s nothing worse than a well meaning friend say something dismissive (coming from a place of love and didn’t know), and then having that feeling hover.
3. Listen to Them
Sometimes it can get kind of tough carrying everything around, and just simply being there, listening and saying ‘that sucks’ or ‘I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that’ is enough. Obviously you’re not their therapist and you don’t have to be, but just those words can be enough to feel like their feelings and experiences are acknowledged. If you are concerned about how your friend is coping mentally, then suggesting they talk through things with someone who has more experience than you, could be a good idea. It can be hard for someone with a chronic illness to talk about their issues sometimes, perhaps out of fear that others won’t understand, or even a sense of guilt for having so many ongoing issues and being a “burden”. Reassurance that you see them, you hear them, can help ease these feelings and encourage your friend to engage in positive coping strategies.
4. Take Some Time to Learn
If your friend tells you they're suffering from a chronic illness, take the time to look into what it is that they’re talking about. Having a general idea about endo, adeno or PCOS or looking into what your friend might be experiencing if they're going through IVF, can make your friend feel really supported and that they matter to you. It can be overwhelming when first being diagnosed with a chronic illness, there’s so much information out there, having someone else to share the learning journey with can make all the difference. While learning is awesome, don’t fall into the trap of trying to “cure” - people with chronic illnesses have heard “have you tried…yoga/medication/this doctor/this diet” more times than you think. Be a partner in learning, and be supportive if your friend is trying something new to manage their illness.
Remember that friends and family, including spouses and parents, are welcome to access our support line 1800FORWOMEN and talk with one of our support workers, if they would like to learn more about supporting someone living with endometriosis, adenomyosis and/or PCOS.
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