Life as a Mum with Endometriosis
Endo really sucks. When thinking what to write for this blog "A mum with endo" that was the first thing I typed, not even consciously! It just - came out.
My children are yet to understand "bad days" for Mumma. I mean how do you explain "Endometriosis" to a three and five year old?? Some days, or even weeks I can't be mum! I'm more like, the lady who supervises from the bedroom and yells down the hall way.
The worst part, you don't even know when or how it's going to hit you next. One week it's fun happy mum, next - frustrated, hurting, emotional, leaking through her pad mum! I hate those weeks. Pretty sure my family do too.
Even picking my children up from school & day-care can be challenging. I don't want to talk to other mums. No, I'm not rude, I'm just dying of pain that's not visible to you. But I smile and be friendly, get my children's bag and open my arms for big cuddles as they see me standing there. A million questions and stories fill the car on the way home, sad thing is - I don't hear any of it. The pain is so unreal that my mind fogs, I just want to get home, I just want to hide in my bed. But the reality is, I'm a mum. I'm their mum, and they need me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful to have two amazing children. But I have felt the heart ache of loss a few times. Those angel babies are always in my mind too. To me I'm a mum of five.
2015, I lost a beautiful baby at 8 weeks’ gestation. That was traumatic not only for me but also for my eldest child. She witnessed loss, blood and her mummy very very sick from it. Mummy was in hospital right up until Christmas. How do you explain, what she just witnessed?
As the years have gone on, they have become more aware. That mummy has a sickness, that sometimes we have good days. And sometimes we have bad days.
On bad weeks (yes weeks) with stage four Endometriosis this is my period week. I prepare myself, my family for it. My parents help, my partner helps and my children are learning too understand Mummy needs her team. I bleed for 10 days straight, so heavy that I can go through a packet of pads in a day. Everyone knows that sleeping on towels is a must this week, and no one questions that any more. I become so tired that sleeping is just what I do, all day every day. And – that if I'm up in the middle of the night changing pads, changing clothes that have been leaked on, taking pain medication or just crying, that it's ok mummy is having a bad week.
Is it bad that some days I sit and cry because I feel selfish I just want to be alone? That I just need to feel better? I actually feel bad for that, for being such a crap mum to my children on the “bad weeks”.
I really rely on my support during those weeks, dinner, cleaning, washing - all things “mum” take a toll on me. Especially suffering anaemia as well. My body just shuts down. I have yet to find, and I am still trying to find ways to cope. But having a support group, is by far the best coping mechanism I've got thus far.
I try to reassure my girls that it's ok one day something amazing will happen and I will be fixed. But right now, there's no easy or simple way to explain to them what is going on.
I don’t like the whole poor me thing, but this is so real! This is what endo woman go through. There really isn’t a quick fix, and what might work for you, might not for another.
My new medical treatment is to now Depo Provera. Monthly, instead of three monthly. Not as a contraceptive but as a medical intervention before my next major lap surgery. Let see how this goes, hey! Cause so far, the pain in my legs from having this needle in my bum is just as fantastic as my period pain. So tonight, dads on duty and let’s see how we feel tomorrow!
As a mum with endo, I think it's important to be honest, to be informative and be strong! I've lost babies, but I've gained two beautiful babies. It's never going to be an easy journey regardless of the endometriosis road you face.
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